I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
