On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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