So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She's the barista slut.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He did a backflip because drugs
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