Banned from zoo.
Again?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
