If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
