if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize