I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
