I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Randomize
