I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
