Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
