I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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