The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
