i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
