Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
