my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
