I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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