Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
we should paint friendship bongs
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