I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
The Olympian is in my bed
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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