the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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