Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
