where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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