I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
