Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
