A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
