I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
