I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I smell like Dick and happiness
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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