So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
3pm strippers are depressing
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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