Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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