i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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