Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize