Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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