My underwear smells like fireworks.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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