I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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