just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
