I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
