Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
