Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
