Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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