So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
