Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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