Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
