My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
