I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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