She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
