I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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