She's JV to your varsity
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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