i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
