lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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