ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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