Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
