After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Found the puke drawer
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
