I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
