The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
sarcasm needs its own font
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
