I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
