I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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