someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I AM VODKA MAN
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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