apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
