I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
